Congratulations! You have just survived the most difficult year in the history of humankind! Sure, you may think that past years have been more difficult, but what this year lacked in difficulty, it made up for in hyperbole.
The year 2009 had everything: the inauguration of the first African-American president, sex scandals, debates over gay marriage, sex scandals, the rise of the Tea Party movement, sex scandals, a balloon boy, sex scandals, celebrity deaths, and even a few sex scandals. Yes, this year truly had it all.
After pouring over my calendar, as well as my spotty memory, I compiled a list of the most memorable events of 2009.
Please enjoy: The 2009 Year In Review.
January
January 15: Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger of U.S. Airways Flight 1549 successfully made an emergency landing in the Hudson River in New York City, after the plane struck a flock of Canada Geese. This heroic feat won admiration for Captain Sullenberger, and an embargo on all geese from Canada.
January 20: Barack Obama made history by becoming the first U.S. President in history to have a Chia Pet modeled after him.
January 26: Nadya Suleman, a 33 year old woman in California, gave birth to eight babies after receiving in-vitro fertilization treatments. While the rumor that her eighth baby walked out of her womb is simply a lie, it did however ride out on a tricycle.
January 29: Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was impeached and replaced by his lieutenant governor, Pat Quinn. With his new free time, Blagojevich announced that he would begin working on a “f****** gold” script for a film version of The Sopranos.
January 30: In response to Democrats electing the first African American man as U.S. President, Republicans made history by choosing Michael Steele as the first African American man of the U.S. Republican National Committee. Check. And mate.
February
February 5: USA Swimming suspended Michael Phelps from competition for three months upon the discovery of a photo of Phelps smoking marijuana. USA Swimming stated they would reinstate him once he started doing drugs that were more becoming of professional athletes, like steroids.
February 13: The Peanut Corporation of America filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. Then, to make matters worse, it began paying its shareholders in… well… one of its exports.
February 17: General Motors and Chrysler asked the Federal Government for $21.6 billion more dollars. The Federal Government agreed to give the two automobile companies the money, because it was their tenth punch on their punch card.
February 22: The film Slumdog Millionaire won Best Picture at the 2009 Academy Awards, for accurately depicting a day in the life of socialite Kim Kardashian.
March
March 2: The Dow Jones fell below 7,000 points for the first time since 1997, in a failed suicide attempt.
March 9: President Obama lifted George W. Bush’s restrictions on embryonic stem cell research, causing people from around the world with Lou Gehrig’s disease to whisper with joy.
March 12: For throwing his shoes at former President George W. Bush in December 2008, Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zaidi was sentenced to three years in prison, and two years community service at a Payless Shoe Source.
April
April 3: Iowa’s Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage. Two days later, all of Iowa’s crops were destroyed by a plague of locusts, which had been unleashed by the wrath of an angry and vengeful god.
April 7: Vermont became yet another state in New England to legalize same-sex marriage, after it was passed by the General Assembly. The move infuriated critics of same-sex marriage, who claimed “the Bible says Ben and Eve, not Ben and Jerry.”
April 11: Susan Boyle appeared as a contestant on Britain’s Got Talent, and surprised the audience with her amazing voice when she sang “I Dreamed a Dream.” Eager to cash in on the trend, Hollywood unleashed a wave of dowdy, frumpy-dressed middle-aged woman imitators in the months that followed.
April 15: Millions of participants across the United States participated in Tax Day Tea Party protests against the government, outraged that the income tax rate had risen from 35 percent in 2008 to 35 percent in 2009.
April 20: China’s government discovered 2,390 more miles of the Great Wall of China. It was hiding behind 1.3 billion people.
April 25: Bea Arthur, who isn’t Michael Jackson, died at the age of 86.
April 26: The United States declared a public health emergency over the outbreak of the swine flu, which was later renamed H1N1 after complaints from Miss Piggy.
April 28: Senator Arlen Specter announced that he was switching from the Republican Party to the Democratic Part. Later, just to further confuse his constituents, he announced he was becoming a woman.
April 29: President Obama celebrated his 100th day of the most difficult job ever by logging on to Monster.com and looking for a new job.
May
May 6: Maine legalized same-sex marriage although, by November, this would prove to be little more than a six-month long cock tease for Maine’s gay couples. Pun absolutely not intended.
May 20: Kris Allen won the eighth season of the hit reality show American Idol, and then was never seen again.
May 26: The Supreme Court of California upheld Proposition 8, the state’s ban on same-sex marriage. So, no plagues for California.
May 26: President Obama nominated Federal Judge Sonia Sotomayor for the U.S. Supreme Court. However, several critics attacked her for having a surname that was “difficult” and “un-American,” with the loudest of these critics being Senator Zebediah Asfrynkthpbbbbtlzinskiro.
May 28: Time Warner terminated their merger with AOL, although it took over three hours to do so, due to AOL’s slow dial up connection.
June
June 1: Conan O’Brian became the new host of the 55-year old The Tonight Show, and promised to continue Jay Leno’s long tradition of not making America laugh.
June 3: New Hampshire legalized same-sex marriage. Two days later, all the citizens of New Hampshire became inflicted with a plague of lice, which had been unleashed by the wrath of an angry and vengeful god.
June 4: David Carradine, who isn’t Michael Jackson, died at the age of 72.
June 10: Carrie Prejean was dethroned as Miss California for breach of contract, after a mob of the proletariat revolted and stormed her palace. Prejean was later found guilty of black magic, beheaded, and replaced by a more benevolent ruler.
June 22: Jon and Kate Gosselin, stars of TLC’s Jon and Kate Plus 8, announced they were filing for divorce, which lead many viewers to think “at least Mark and Jenny Sanford’s marriage is solid.”
June 23: Ed McMahon, who isn’t Michael Jackson, died at the age of 86.
June 24: Jenny Sanford, wife of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, found herself wishing for the first time in her life that her husband had actually been hiking the Appalachian Trail in the nude.
June 25: Farrah Fawcett, who isn’t Michael Jackson, died at the age of 62.
June 25: MICHAEL JACKSON, THE KING OF POP AND PRINCE OF PEACE, PASSED AWAY AT THE AGE OF 50. You can stop reading after this point, because life essentially stopped having meaning anyway.
June 28: Billy Mays, who isn’t Michael Jackson, died at the age of 50.
June 29: Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison for running a $65-billion Ponzi scheme. Always the optimist, Madoff stated that with exercise and the right diet, that he looked forward to seeing his grandchildren in the year 2159.
